Job = wasted time

Work = what I want.

Please,

.dv.

You’ve not asked for advice. I’ll try not to give it. I’ll simply say what I do to nudge forward.

1 – I turned off my TV. (Still addicted to film, but filling up on the shit eventually made me intolerant to it more and more)(I still watch shit, but I am clear what it is now).
2 – I walk away from my computer more and more.
3 – I let things go – try to need less stuff.
4 – I keep going back to school. Each time leads me closer to the truth of who I want to be. Each time I move a bit closer, I have to let go of some piece of what I don’t want to be. It’s harder to do than I ever think. But I still do it.
5 – The truth of it is, the movement is never fast or far. I’ve had to come to terms with, and learn to accept and appreciate the amount of movement just as it is.
6 – Impatience without action doesn’t serve me. It just makes me pissed off all the time. And I don’t function all that well when I’m pissed off all the time. I just stay stuck in being pissed off.
7 – It’s easy to buy in, but much like being in the Hotel California once inside.
8 – Simplify, simplify.
9 – Watching the others suffer breaks my heart, but I have had to let go of them as completely as possible. Buddhist concepts of detachment are important lessons for this form of truth seeking. Bow to the fate of the neighbor teat piglets. The one thing we all have are choices – however small and powerless they seem. I must remain true to myself – I cannot work in a cubicle, so I do not.
10 – I have to fix myself. No one else can or will.
11 – It’s OK to refuse conversations, or stop them if they suck one dry. I have been slowly learning to walk away. I am no lonelier than I ever was for refusing a bad conversation. People in pain and need will take your time, attention and energy, but I have figured out that it’s my choice to let them, so less and less, I don’t.
12 – Some places don’t suck as bad as others.
13 – I’ve had to work my ass off, commit fully, and never give up to move one inch forward – and it has been completely worth it, even though I’m exhausted, because it’s my fucking inch.
14 – I don’t need as much food, clothing, electronic stuff, anything as I think.
15 – My life is and has been, for as long as I can remember, a huge amount of suffering. Accepting that as best I can has been the one thing that makes me keep going. It brings it all into sharp perspective, and lights up the route to joy on the map. Not every day, but enough days that I think I may be getting there. Again – slow journey – but movement of any kind counts.
16 – It all became a bit less maddening for me with time, but not for my husband.
17 – I had to become somewhat uncompromising of my goals – it’s hard, and full of fear and hopes that sometimes get crushed, and back sliding. That’s why I have to be uncompromising, and rise to it all day after day.
18 – Some days I can only do a tiny amount. Some days I yearn to go back to my ignorance when I felt proud of having a special rubber stamp in my desk drawer, and felt satisfied by the clunk it made when I stamped it. I want to say the truth is the lie. But I can’t anymore.
19 – Art makes more sense. I seek it more.
20 – Nature makes more sense. I seek it more.
21 – I don’t care anymore if no-one reads my blog. When I feel like I start to worry about it, I remind myself to stop because it is a tool for me to process my life, to scream into the void with the billions of others, to try and make sense of it all even though I know it’s futile. When someone hears me it’s cool, but even if they don’t, I still get something from speaking. My words don’t always make sense until I spit them out of my head. Blogging lets me grow and change. Sharing my intentions helps me act, and creates an accountability loop that propels me forward. Finally, I’m no lonelier than I was before for blogging to no one. It is a gain with little to no loss.
35 – I try not to apologize for speaking. I fail sometimes.
57 – I love you.
58 – You’re on an adventure, Charlie! But you don’t have to go into the cave. Rainbow nap land is full of danger: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JPONTneuaF4
59 – I’ve had to learn to keep faith in myself. Others might have faith in me, but they leave, don’t always have time, don’t know how to have faith in themselves and therefore others, or they simply die, so it follows the only person that can truly have faith in oneself is oneself. It helps a lot.
60 – I am trying to embrace every moment of life. I am trying to find the most important things – which turn out to be healthy whole foods, love, relationships with the people I love, yoga (the right kind for me has to do with awareness and compassion) animals, weather, trees, and trying to cling to life instead of waiting for the end of it or simply hoping it will improve, and trying to tell the truth more and more at every moment without cruelty. I am demanding of myself to like air and water more. I am trying to become full with less and less.
139 – I try and find as many moments of beauty and joy in a day as I can and stay connected to them. Sometimes, it’s simply pleasure in the color or texture or smell of dirt.

I hope maybe one of these things on my list might help you and ease your writhing rage and pain.