An Old E-mail I found… but never sent
Now, while I do have this software installed, I have only a general understanding of what the program's purpose truly is... I've never double-clicked it, opened it, saved with it, sent-to it, or anything else... All that I know if it's existence is that it runs far too many processes for my delicate tastes. And what I find most frustrating is that no amount of clicking (read: spamming with the most profound full-on rapid fury onslaught that my index finger can apply to the leftmousebutton ) the 'End Process' button will remedy this ailments; each of the processes will pop right back up to is previous position... soaking up that precious precious resource of RAM & consequently system speeeed... and generally irritating the collocation out of me. Of course, if I really wanted to do something about it, I could just uninstall the creeping bastard, right?? HA! </incredulous laugh>...
Here's the preface, it is my suspicion that this software was originally stolen... not by myself mind you. Rather, it was installed by the the very same purveyor of fine 2nd hand computers from whom I purchased this beastly machine. And what a wonderfully successful installation it was, because it seems that I may never figure out how to remove it. Ever. In a million years.
You see, when I attempted to Add/Remove Programs -- which, as I understand, is the standard behavior when a person seeks to prevent some program from ever running again on his computer -- the uninstall process, did not complete successfully, or seem to work at all. My processes were still running willy-nilly, and not only did the uninstall fail to de-install, I was informed that the software 'may have already been uninstalled' and 'would i like to remove the program from the list'? You're damned right! Remove this head-spinning demon from my internal drives, evict it from the binary recesses of my enourmously hard hard disk!!! Please, I beg of you... remove it, but don't tell me it isn't there... for god's sake it seems run flawlessly. Unless, of course, i want it to not run at all. Perhaps then, I should say it runs endlessly...
I digress. The customer support telephone number for Microskam is clearly posted on their (nearly impossible to navigate) website. That's a dirty, evil, lie... there's nothing clear about the location of the number. What is clear though, is the cost of their "support"... $259/call (during regular business hours) or $559/call (after hours)... this in addition to the cost of the previously mentioned software. Are you kidding me? For that price, I better be getting a table shower and a subscription to GQ.
Alas, I did not receive my much needed shower and/or subscription. Rather, i had the opportunity to speak with 3 very pleasant Canadians, all of whom advised me to enjoy the 4th of July, then proudly announced that they don't celebrate it... which was strange enough in itself... I can't say I've ever wished a Canadian 'happy boxing day' or any such nonsense.... but those people are strange and immoral, and have no sense of goodness or true patriotism, so perhaps I should have expected as much.
The first Uber-Norder whom I spoke with advised that it would be $259 to speak to somebody... I told him I had "a license of software that wasn't mine" and that I didn't want to "violate the EULA".
"Well, sir... I'm not sure I can help you with that if you're not willing to pay $259 so that I can open a case for you. Allow me to transfer you. Oh, and Happy 4th of July!"
He transferred me...
The second lovely puck bunny was there to take my payment information. I took this opportunity to advise her that I wouldn't be paying for anything, but that I didn't want to steal her software... she, in turn, suggested that if I chose not to pay-the-bills, I would most certainly not be receiving her precious technical supports.
"Surely you jest," was my quick witted reply... "How can i be expected to pay for following the rules?"
No such luck, my friends, no such luck. It turned out that I wouldn't be transfered to the meat and potatoes of this operation, instead i would sit in this awkward sort of limbo... with no real direction... wondering how long they would hold out. "Perhaps you have a manager?"
"I do sir, but there's not help without $, and we are very "firm" in that regard... Oh, Happy 4th of July!"
I was reminded of a story i recenly read, in which a man finds himself at a brothel he never intended to be in... after following another fellow... he's quickly prompted to 'pay or get out'. Surely, I would not succumb to such non-sense.
She transfered me.
"Hello, thank you for holding, this is Mike... . . . . Happy 4th of July"
My wit grew sharper...
"Yes, and a very happy fourth to you as well, sir... my how we've come so far in our journey. It's days like this that I should thank all my stars to be living in the good ole U.S. of A... But perhaps I should get down to the proverbial business... you see, Mike, I've got an installation of your software installed within this exquisite second-hand computer upon my desk... but you see, it isn't mine. The software I mean. No, of course the computer's mine... why else would I be calling. Yes, I know that. But you see, this hideous Wild Witch of the North has informed me that your oh-so-fabulous business establishment will allow me to keep the software license free of charge if I don't pay you to tell me some way to remove it. Though I feel like this is some sort of underhanded extortion, I've gathered from your refusal to assist that I have your implicit permission, Mr. Manager Mike, to continue using the aforementioned software. Furthermore, I understand from this condition, that you, as nothing less than a duely appointed representative of Microskam, do not seek to be reimbursed in any way."
"No sir, that's not what I said"
"I'm quite sure I heard what you said, Mike... hence my use of the word 'implicit'. Now did you hear what I said!"
"Yes sir, we're happy to help you remove the software.... but the cost is $559... there can be no ifs-ands-or-butts about it."
-- how long will these bastards hold out? I wondered. Certainly they don't think they can outlast me... they don't call me a Cranky Yankee for nothing --
"Would you like me to transfer you back so that we can open your case?"' 'Open your case' it seems, is MS Code for 'give us nearly $600'
"That's a negative, Mike. I'd like to file a complaint."
"I'll have to transfer you. Happy 4th!"
< insert muzak, globo-corp's answer to all things creative and pleasant... turns out you don't have to ride an elevator to drown in the unfathomable rage that spews from it's speakers.... all you have to do is place your call 'Corporate' >
-- tHESE WHORES!@!!!!@!@!!11 Damnits, shits, pisss, how could I let them do this to me?... I can't stand for this treason, not on the goddamned FOURTH OF JULY!!! --
< more moo(sic)... if all the failures and dropouts from the world's very worst schools of music were put in a bag, beaten senseless with boat oars, stoned half to death, then burned in a fire... this is the eternity they would create for all those who sentenced them to that fantastic death... a painful, ugly, sinister soundscape of hatred and violence. And it's what the next 4 minutes sounded like to me... Hell... the 7th level... deep deep in the circuitry of Satan's angriest iPod. Welcome to my oh-so-humble abode. For it is here that I shall stay... until i inevitably hang up on these terrible devils. >